There are lots of great jokes about lawyers. Let’s start with this one!

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. They had figured out how to fish but the only other things on the island were banana trees, and a tall coconut tree that provided them food. Each day they would take turns climbing to the top of the coconut tree and see if they could spot a rescue boat.

One day the lawyer at the top of the tree yells, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. It looks like there’s a person on a raft floating in our direction.” The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your frickin’ mind.” Yet, much to their surprise, within a few minutes, up to the shore floats the raft with what turned out to be a stunningly beautiful woman, unconscious, completely naked, without even so much as earrings or a ring on her body.

Both lawyers went down to the water and dragged the woman up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.

“You know,” The first lawyer says, “we’ve been on this God forsaken island for months now without anything, and now we have this beautiful woman to share. It’s been such a long, long time…”

The second lawyer says, “Do you think we… well…. when she’s better… you know….  we will be able to screw her?”

The first lawyer says, “OUT OF WHAT?”

Q: What’s the similarity between an erect penis and a computer?

A: They’ll both stay up as long as you don’t fuck with them!

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”

– Steven Wright

This is not a shaggy dog story but it is about dogs!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation. The Lab turned to the Collie and said “Why are you here?”

“I’m a pisser.” The Collie said, “ I piss on everything…..the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed, while they were in it.”

The Lab said, “That’s too bad. What’s the vet going to do?”

 “Gonna cut my nuts off!” came the reply from the Collie. “They say it’ll calm me down.”

The Collie then turned to the Lab and asked “why are you here?”

The Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in the couch.”

“What are they going to do to you?” the Collie inquired.

“Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Lab said.

They turn to the Dalmatian and ask, “Why are you here?”

“I’m a humper,” said the Dalmatian.  “I hump everything. The cat, the pillows, the table legs, fence posts and pretty much anything else I can get my paws around. I hump anything and everything. But yesterday my owner got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her feet, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The Lab and the Collie exchanged a sad glance and said,” So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?” 

The Dalmatian said, “No, I’m just here to get my nails clipped!”

A very famous and beloved clown passed away and when he died, all his friends came to the funeral in one car.

A few ways to say someone is “not playing with a full deck!”:
  1. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  2. Dumber than a box of hair.
  3. Chimney’s clogged.
  4. One taco short of a combination plate.
  5. The sewing machine’s out of thread.

This girl said she thought she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Actual complaints from dissatisfied customers to a vacation planner:

  1. On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.
  2. They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax.
  3. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they all spoke Spanish.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. It’s floating around here somewhere.

Funny Bumper Stickers:

This may not be the Mayflower but your daughter came across in it last night.


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