Speaking of jokes and puns:

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. After every commercial flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight needing repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P – The problem logged by the pilot. S – The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S:  Left inside main tire almost replaced.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

People say Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world. Yeah, maybe that’s true, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies there’s a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they’ve already got all our airports.

– Bill Hicks

Bad Puns

I’m not sure why I’m qualifying these puns as bad. Some people think all puns are bad. I guess where I fall into the mix is I just like them if I find them funny or clever or interesting. Or really stupid…

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher: she lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils!

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?  It goes back four seconds.

Bitches ’til the End!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martinis to celebrate.”

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.”

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Mom, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”

“Because I don’t want any of those bitches thinking they can sleep with your father after I’m gone.”

They lie about marijuana. They tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high you can do everything you normally do just as well, if not better. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

– Bill Hicks


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